Monday, 19 December 2011

I'm sorry.

I could have been back sooner, I just ... Well, I suppose my head didn't feel quite right. I was tired out after all that work, and I was so relieved to have that weight off me, that for Thursday and Friday I didn't want to have to face all of this stuff. Selfish, I know. On Saturday, me and Dad went into the city centre to pick up some Christmas food and go ice-skating in the gardens. The streets were hung with twinkling lights and as I glided across the ice I felt a burning energy fill my being.

I think I was bordering on mania by yesterday morning.

But I've got a confession to make. I've not been doing okay. I've been trying to put on a brave face, but the truth is I'm more scared than I have ever been right now. The gaps in my memory are becoming more frequent, and I'm finding it harder to concentrate on my work.

At the weekend, I threw off all the weight that had been holding me down, and the high was intoxicating. However, that feeling only lasted until last night.

Last night, I was treated to another concert. This time it was Christmas themed. Lucky me, eh? He's clearly spoiling me. And he can't have had long to prepare, since it was to the tunes of all the carols we'd sung at the morning service.

I've been on edge all day. Susan says there's no reason to panic. On the other hand, what does reason have to do with any of this? You know you're crazy when your own alter-ego's the one telling you not to fall apart.

But yeah, I suppose I should try and stay together, if only for the sake of my family. My Dad's going to pick up my granny tomorrow. I suppose it'll brighten me up. My granny is brilliant. She might not know how to use the internet or what the difference between Freeview and Sky is, but she's got the long-term memory of an elephant and wit as sharp as Albitr (just to throw in another obscure/slightly nerdy reference - this one's from Inheritance).

The Nightmare Before Christmas was on yesterday. I couldn't watch it. As soon as I saw Jack, ... I just couldn't. It's been one of my favourite films for the past three years, but now, I don't think I'll ever be able to watch it again. There's too much fear inside me.

College is finished for the holidays now (apparently they decided to close a week early in case of snow), which means I have work to do before I go back. I'm going to try and get it done as soon as possible, just in case anything happens and I can't get it done later on.

I'm going into the city tomorrow to meet C. It's a long and complicated story, but I think I might be in love with him. And he seems to like me in the same way. We've been getting closer and closer - I feel like I could tell him almost anything. At the beginning, he could be a bit annoying; he would make jokes about things he didn't understand (in fact, that's how I ended up telling him about my hallucinations), but he's always willing to listen and learn, and we've become increasingly close over the past month or two.

But what do I do? I don't even know the normal rules, never mind for someone like me, never mind for someone like me who's being tormented by a malicious paranormal entity. Should I pretend I'm aromantic as well as asexual? Nah, that wouldn't work. If he told A or B that I'd said that, they would know I was lying. Should I just push him away? I don't want to hurt him, and I don't want to lose him.

I don't know. Should I just tell him about all this and let him make his own mind up? I've never told anyone about this, apart from you guys, and you already knew about Malinky. I've heard that he eventually targets those who know about him, and, well, my experiences show nothing that contradicts that.

Does anyone know what I should do?


  1. Depends on how much you like him.

    Some people are worth taking risks for.

  2. Just being close to people puts them in danger, I can't tell you what to do, but if you want to bring him in, or even be close to him, you better be prepared to live with whatever happens next. I've never been in love, so I don't know if it's worth it or not.

    On a barely related note: Inheratince is out, I didn't know that. I need to get my hands on that book, I've been waiting far to long for it.

    See you around

  3. @Ryan: I don't know. I've never felt this way about someone I know before. There's nothing I can compare it to.

    @Cage: The book is amazing.
    You have a good point though, I just don't want to make him feel like I'm pushing him away. I don't want to lose my friend.

    Pete says I shouldn't tell C about all this Slender Man stuff and just let whatever happens happen. But if we're going to be close... Thanks guys.

  4. /has promptly run to the bookstore to get Inheritance.

    You just made my day. =D

    On a serious note, with C, just let what happens happen. Don't resist it, don't force it, and do what feels right.

  5. I'll finish typing my post up tomorrow, hopefully. I've only been up a few hours, but I feel like I've run a mile on stilts. Shame, in a perfect world I would have had three days off for Christmas. I suppose that was too much to ask for, though.

    *makes note not to include Inheritance spoilers in blog posts*

  6. Barb....are you alive?

    I'm really, really worried about you. We all are.