Thursday, 17 November 2011

Hello again.

My time of freedom is coming to a close. Booey. I wish I could just sit here forever, pretending like the gale is just on the outside, not also on the inside of my cranium. But no. So many things trying to attract my attention. Screaming at me, even. I'd like to say that my dreams are an escape, but they're really not.

Anyway. I met Rabbie again today. He sat next to me this time. I felt like punching him again, so instead I decided to grill him for all I was worth. I won't go into detail about our conversation, but he did indeed know my mother. See, apparantly, she was his psychiatrist before he was referred to Psychology. And he assures me he isn't crazy and never has been. I suppose. What were his friends and family supposed to think?

A while ago, past-Barb asked me some questions. I'll try to answer them as best I can with the knowledge I have just now:

  • How did my mother discover Mr. Tall?
In quite a dignified affair, Rabbie, after he started seeing skinny Malinky long-legs following him, went to see his G.P. about it and was referred to my Mum's department. My Mum prescribed him some medication, but after his stalking intensified she referred him to Psychology. She still had contact with him, but it was limited to a four-weekly "would this patient benefit from any medication" review.

  • Was she being followed?
She wasn't being followed as such. At least not early on. Rabbie said he gathered she was being watched around a week before his extraction. And then by the next morning she was dead.

  • Was her death natural causes, or was she murdered?
I don't know. I'll probably never know. Rabbie said he was informed of her death as soon as he woke up that morning, so before I made my post. I can't help but think there must have been some foul play.

  • Why would she draw an operator symbol at the back of her diary?
It was Rab who drew the picture. He didn't draw the operator symbol, so that must have been my Mum. He said he drew it other places though, before he knew exactly what it was (he wouldn't tell me). My only guess is that my Mum found out a little more about what was stalking him and was trying to protect herself. This fits with her suddenly becoming scared of the woods, but it's strange I haven't found anything else. I could be completely wrong though.

  • Am I being watched?
My blog was being followed almost from the beginning. Allegedly, one of the biggest tasks Malinky's minions face is trying to keep up with all the blogs/vlogs etc. and trying to link them to physical people after they work out what's real and what's just fantasy. Rabbie said my blog was one of the first things he was shown on his first night-trip (he was an in-patient at that point - apparently hospital security isn't the best). He told me they'd been narrowing it down, trying to pin-point who I was. Apparently hiding my location/identity was one of my better decisions. The post about Rabbie's disappearance was the piece that made them sure it was me who was posting.

  • Has he been watching me ever since I was a child?
From what I gathered, he's been keeping tabs on me, checking up on me every-so-often when there wasn't anything more immediate to care about. Apparently he watches everyone who's ever seen him, just in case. I guess it paid off with me. Either I become useful to him, or I turn against him. If I were him, I could see how it would be useful to know where (and what) I am.

  • Is it all my fault?
I honestly don't have an answer for this. I don't know if all of it was my fault, if none of it was my fault, if some of it was, and if so, what was. That's one of the main things I've been thinking about, actually. In this situation, I suppose in every situation really, I can't hope to know what my decisions will bring. I guess all I can do is try and do what's right and hope it all works out.

In the past, I've found the phrase "What would Jesus do?" useful for problems of conscience. Thing is, I've no idea what Jesus would do here. The only thing I can compare it with is the temptation in the desert, but He already knew what His purpose was, and He was being tempted to turn away from God's plan. I don't know what God's plan is. I don't know what my purpose in life is. Human morals give me no direction because they seem to contort and explode at places like this. Everybody's saying "do what's best for you". I don't want to do what's best for me. I want to do what's right. I wish I were more spiritual. Then I could pray for guidance. But I don't really know how to pray. I've tried it once or twice, but usually the voices start jeering at me. The only way I can block it out is to focus on other people and pray for them instead. I feel awful having to ask this. Could somebody pray for me? I've seen it do so many wonderful things for the people at church.

I almost forgot. I should probably let you all know, even though I don't know if I'll still be here, I'll be turning seventeen on wednesday. I'm not sure if Dad's planned anything, so I might not be able to post regardless of whether I'm alive or not. Wow. I never thought I'd ever be saying a sentence like that (again).

I realise I've not said much about other areas of my life recently. I suppose I've been preoccupied. I now love Coldplay (C's doing, I wasn't too keen at first but I warmed to them), my coursework is progressing well, and I still need to work out what courses I want to apply for next year. I've got until January, but a lot of them are first-come first-served. Maybe I could just pick some out of a hat.

Pete's been acting a little odd. He was very worried, but then all of a sudden he brightened up, and he's been in a cheery mood ever since. And he's not usually cheery either. Susan just keeps getting in a bigger huff with me, and has now resorted to the silent treatment. Liam is just as oblivious as ever, which is probably the most helpful out of the lot of them.

Anyway, I have to go now, bed time and all that. Goodnight.


  1. Alright, it should send my email to you. Hopefully.
    Be safe! :)

  2.'re younger than me?! o_O Holy fuckmuffins, sister. Consider my ass floored. You're so...mature!

    On a serious note though...don't feel awful, no. I'll pray for you in a heartbeat. I may seem like a hedonist...but I'm actually pretty spiritual. I just cover that up with all the swearing.

    And Barb?

    Even if you do turn...I'll still care about you.

  3. @Butterfly: I got it. Just sent you one back.

    @Lucia: I seem a lot more mature on here than I am in real life. Sitting down at a keyboard suddenly puts me into "pensive" mode (or "apathetic" mode whenever my emotions are running too strong).

    On the inside, I feel much younger. I feel like a child who's been thrown into an adult world, so I adjust my methods accordingly. People who meet me can never tell how old I am. They always think I'm either older or younger, usually between around 15-19.

    Anyway, thank you. It means a lot, it really does. Having people who care about me despite the things I've been through, despite what I'm going through ... it makes me think maybe I'm not such a worthless individual after all.

  4. Why didn't you tell them about my Batman analogy? I thought it was genius on my part. /sigh

    I'm certain you and Phil would get on. I'd really like to introduce you to him. Maybe it would get me back in his good books. (or at least provide a distraction while he's training you)

    Whoops, he's back! See you tomorrow Batgirl.

  5. Rrngh. I didn't tell them because: 1. it made me cringe, and 2. they don't need to know.

    I'm not joining you and that's that.