Anyway. I met Rabbie again today. He sat next to me this time. I felt like punching him again, so instead I decided to grill him for all I was worth. I won't go into detail about our conversation, but he did indeed know my mother. See, apparantly, she was his psychiatrist before he was referred to Psychology. And he assures me he isn't crazy and never has been. I suppose. What were his friends and family supposed to think?
A while ago, past-Barb asked me some questions. I'll try to answer them as best I can with the knowledge I have just now:
- How did my mother discover Mr. Tall?
- Was she being followed?
- Was her death natural causes, or was she murdered?
- Why would she draw an operator symbol at the back of her diary?
- Am I being watched?
- Has he been watching me ever since I was a child?
- Is it all my fault?
In the past, I've found the phrase "What would Jesus do?" useful for problems of conscience. Thing is, I've no idea what Jesus would do here. The only thing I can compare it with is the temptation in the desert, but He already knew what His purpose was, and He was being tempted to turn away from God's plan. I don't know what God's plan is. I don't know what my purpose in life is. Human morals give me no direction because they seem to contort and explode at places like this. Everybody's saying "do what's best for you". I don't want to do what's best for me. I want to do what's right. I wish I were more spiritual. Then I could pray for guidance. But I don't really know how to pray. I've tried it once or twice, but usually the voices start jeering at me. The only way I can block it out is to focus on other people and pray for them instead. I feel awful having to ask this. Could somebody pray for me? I've seen it do so many wonderful things for the people at church.
I almost forgot. I should probably let you all know, even though I don't know if I'll still be here, I'll be turning seventeen on wednesday. I'm not sure if Dad's planned anything, so I might not be able to post regardless of whether I'm alive or not. Wow. I never thought I'd ever be saying a sentence like that (again).
I realise I've not said much about other areas of my life recently. I suppose I've been preoccupied. I now love Coldplay (C's doing, I wasn't too keen at first but I warmed to them), my coursework is progressing well, and I still need to work out what courses I want to apply for next year. I've got until January, but a lot of them are first-come first-served. Maybe I could just pick some out of a hat.
Pete's been acting a little odd. He was very worried, but then all of a sudden he brightened up, and he's been in a cheery mood ever since. And he's not usually cheery either. Susan just keeps getting in a bigger huff with me, and has now resorted to the silent treatment. Liam is just as oblivious as ever, which is probably the most helpful out of the lot of them.
Anyway, I have to go now, bed time and all that. Goodnight.