Friday, 25 November 2011

Trying to stay sane

isn't easy, especially when the things you're seeing could well be real.

I was pretty tired in Chemistry today. Heh. I'm always tired these days. And I've always been tired during Chemistry. It's at the end of the day on a Friday, and I find it hard not to fall asleep on the best of days.

It was coming up for the time we usually have our ten-minute break (which generally coincides with when they test the fire alarm) and the lecturer had given us some examples to do. I was pretty much hunched over my book, when I felt a pricking all over my back. I glanced round and saw him standing over me.

I yelped and everyone looked up.

"Barb, are you okay?" Asked the lecturer from the front of the class. I took a quick glance to see what his expression was like and looked back. There was nothing there. Startled, I turned round again.

"Um, yeah, I'm fine. Just gave myself a fright. It was just something silly."

He made a sound of dismissal, and people went back to their work. B looked at me, puzzled. I gave a quick nod to let her know she could ask me about it during the break.

On our walk to the water dispenser, she asked me if I'd seen something. I said yes and that I didn't really want to go into it. She respected that and didn't push it any further.

Gosh, I'm getting good at concealing things from people, amn't I? Who is this person I'm becoming? Oh, I know the changes so far have been perfectly reasonable responses to my current situation, but who will I be in a year's time? Five years' time? If I even live that long. Ha.

Susan decided to break her silence today, so that's something back to normal. She even apologised for her behaviour and asked if could still be friends. Typical suck-up behaviour. But I thought, how can I forgive others if I can't even forgive my(other)self? So I forgave her and now she's back in her old spot, looking over my mind from her seat at the back.

Well, at least some things never change. Gives me hope that one day the rest of me will be back to normal. See ya's!


  1. Nothing worse than doing that in front of people, yikes. =|

    Good to hear that Susan's stopped bitchin', though, heh.

  2. Yeah. At least I managed to avoid attracting more questions. The college knows about my mental health issues (apparantly that's what they're called these days), but I'm not sure if the lecturers do.

    It could have been so much worse though. And I'm glad B didn't push it further.

    And Susan's like that. She seems to go through phases of liking me and despising me. To prove myself a hypocrite, I think she's weird.

  3. Well if understanding ourselves were easy, life wouldn't be quite so interesting. XD