Tuesday, 22 November 2011

So tired.

Thanks for all your words of encouragement. They're one of the main things that make me feel I can keep going.

The last couple of days have been exhausting. I've only been a little busier than usual, but the effort seems to be taking a much greater toll on me than it used to. My college friends have started noticing. And they thought I was tired at the start of the course. Heh. What beatiful and stress-free days those were. Before my life became interfered with.

Even the depths of my mind feel strange to me. Susan has been quiet, I'm not sure how long. It's unusual for her to stay silent for even a week, and even then I can still feel her presence. Not now. Either she's learned some secret ninja art of concealment or she's completely disappeared. Pete hasn't been around as often as he used to, and when he is I can tell he does nothing but worry about me. Liam is the same as ever. Constantly there, acting oblivious to anything that doesn't involve him.

And to add icing to my cherry, or some other baking-related analogy, I've started hearing whispers when I'm alone or just not talking to people. The whispers themselves are quiet and indistinct, but the number of voices speaking at once means it's hard to keep my thoughts linear.

I haven't seen Skinny Malinky since Saturday, thank goodness, but I've got a feeling he's not far away. Whatever happened on Saturday (though I've been trying not to think about what that might be), I don't think he'd let me go so easily. Heh. I don't even know what he wants, for crying out loud. He might just be playing with me, and fully intends to kill me when he eventually gets bored.

My dreams have changed. They're much shorter than they used to be, and sometimes there are a few in one night. The subject matter hasn't changed. The blue roses are still there, they've grown over almost everything now, and most of the time I'm not sure what world I'm looking at.

My bones ache and my muscles are stiff. I sometimes get shivers for no reason. (I wonder if I'm coming down with something.) And then, there's the constant feeling of eyes staring into my back. I'm not sure if it's paranoia or something else. To be honest, though, I don't think it would change much either way. It could be that it's just a delusion, but I'm being watched regardless. Who could tell?

It's my birthday tomorrow. I spotted what looked like a cake in the fridge. Dad must have baked it while I was out today. I remember him baking when I was young - it was delicious - but he hasn't made anything in years. He looks tired too, but he seems happy enough. I'm glad he doesn't see what I feel on the inside. It would be complicated to lie or explain and I don't want him to feel bad about something that neither of us can do a thing to change.

I've decided what universities I'm applying for. For security reasons I'm not going to say which ones, but I'm applying for Physics-based subjects in all of them. Now all I have to do is fill out the rest of the form (I don't know what I should say about my "mental illness", since it usually doesn't impact much on my ability to work) and write that blasted personal statement. ("Yes, the reasons I would be absolutely brilliant at studying Physics at an academic level are ...") It'll be tough since I don't have much of a history of getting involved with groups of people, and most of the suggestions for showing off your strengths are based around the extra-curricular activities you took part in. I suppose I could focus mostly on what coming to college has given/taught me.

Heh. If only I could use what I talk about on here as examples of perseverence, people skills, and experience of working under pressure.

And sorry I haven't been as active as usual on here. Between extra amounts of sleep and homework I haven't had much free time on my hands. I'll try to reply to everyone as soon as I can.


  1. Physics?! All power to you, sister. The two weeks of that class I made it through was hell.

    Personal statements aren't that bad...just stand out from the crowd and you'll be smooth sailing! You'll be alright.

  2. Why couldn't use this as an example for your people skills? Ovbiously you can't admit that it's all real, but you can call it some kind of interactive story or something, and use it to show your creativity and how well you work with others. Kind of a backwards way of looking at things, but honestly no body's going to belive this stuff is real unless it actually happens to them.

    See you around

  3. I' ve been having shivers for no reason too!
    Also, strange things started at my house last Saturday and Sunday.
    It was a little weird.

  4. @Lucia: Yup. Physics. I guess I just find it really interesting. I could have gone for Maths, but Maths on its own might get a bit boring.

    @Cage: I just tried to imagine me writing this comment, and them reading the blog and this comment, if I were just making it up. I had to pull out because there were too many layers. It was like looking at two parallel mirrors!

    Anyway, there would be no way for me to prove to them that I'm the author of this blog (for instance, my second name is not actually Gordon), and I doubt whoever processes my application could be bothered looking it up in the first place. And even if they do they might think "She's obviously got creative talent, but if she's so creative why isn't she applying for a more creative subject?".

    @Butterfly: What kind of weird things? Slender things?