Okay. I've woken up. She's not coming back. Nothing I can do - no hoping, no crying, no wishing, no starving myself - can ever bring her back. At first, I didn't want to know how or why. Now, I need a reason. I asked Dad more about what the Doctor's said. Apparently they said something about the lack of movement reducing the bloodflow to her legs, and somehow that made a clot that somehow managed to make its way to her lungs and block a passage and I don't buy it. I don't want to believe that she died for such a trivial reason. There has to be more. Why was she taken away from us?
Nothing seems to be going right. The wind is cold and bitter. Rain falls every so often, but it's the kind that soaks and chills and fills the air, instead of dripping from the sky. The internet hasn't been working since my last post. Just when I need an escape. I can't sleep. I saw her body yesterday. I tried to hold her hand, but it was so stiff and cold, and it felt like ... I don't even want to say. I just knelt down and cried.
I've had this song stuck in my head for over a day now. The main problem is it describes exactly how I feel (apart from the narrated bits, obviously). I just miss her so much. Dad's not been sleeping well. The past two nights he tried sleeping in their bed, but I've seen his eyes in the morning, and last night I thought I heard him yell out around one o'clock. He's in a sleeping bag on the couch tonight. I hope he sleeps well.
I've been running. It helps a little. I just lose my thoughts to the pounding of my feet, and I just feel nothing. My normal hallucinations were back by Friday evening. Yesterday, they all decided to visit me at once. I just turned around and there they were, filling my room, all staring at me with those sad, sympathetic eyes that make you just want to turn feral and attack them. In the end I shouted at them to go away. "Go away! You're not REAL!" I shouted, and they vanished. Then I heard scratching at the door. I opened it and saw Liam. He was sitting on his back paws, looking up at me like he knew what was wrong. I picked him up and took him over to my bed. I just lay there hugging him and crying for hours. I don't know why I had to be born with a malfunctioning brain. Liam's really the only constant presence in my life apart from the "real" people. Maybe I should just run away from it all. Hide inside my head. I don't know if I could do it, though. Completely let go of reality. And I don't think I should, either. I think my Dad needs me, and I've worked for so long away from "society" to claim my spot in the real world.
I don't know if I'll feel up to college tomorrow. It just feels so weird. Maybe something "normal" would help. I don't know. What I do know is that I'd have to get up early, and I don't think that'll be happening. Besides, I think Dad needs some company. I had to buy the shopping yesterday because he's so tired and busy trying to organise the funeral. Anyway, I think I might try and sleep now. It's good to get things off my chest.